scattershooting while wondering what ever happened to...crap, i don't know anyone obscure enough to pull one of those off. that's just fine with me, and it should be with you, too. thppt.
so, i mentioned the other day that B pointed out that i get testy when confronted with large crowd situations. fair enough. who, when confronted with one of his deepest fears, wouldn't get a little bent out of shape? especially when that deepest fear doesn't involve something truly optional, like heights or dogs or spoons (?) or something like that. crowds are part and parcel of society, and involvement with them in many situations is compulsory in order to get anything done, like truly visit a church and get to know its members. its not like going to the mall scares me - i'm not an agoraphobe. it's not merely the volume of people that gets to me. it's the necessity of interacting with them that spooks me. terrifies me, actually.
small aside: 3 months ago i'd have gone into the fellowship room at the church we visited, afraid or not. the idea of admitting that it frightened me was more scary than the fear itself. now that i've admitted it to myself, i find i'm not quite so able to sack up, which is a little disappointing. i'm hoping it's just part of the healing process.
anyhoo, B asked me what it is that frightens me about people, and when i hedged she postulated that it may be that i fear what they might want from me and that i can't control that. i don't think that's the whole thing, but a substantial chunk of that rings true. it might explain the terror i feel when i have to make a phone call for work while mall crowds don't bother me. it might explain why i can play drums or speak in front of a congregation, but the idea of standing in a receiving line makes me want to curl up in a ball. is there some paranoia about what demands every human interaction might place on me? could i truly be afraid of what everyone might want from me?
i hope not. that might be more depressing than an unexplainable fear. i know i'm not the most trusting person in the world, but i'd like to think i have slightly more faith in everyone else than to flat-out judge every intention like that, but who knows? it could be the case. if my whole life has been one giant jacked-up response to stress, then every single demand placed on me could be an additional stressor. and thusly, every single interaction could potentially produce a demand and, consequently, an additional stressor. and that would be bad, see?
eh, i don't know. something about it doesn't quite fit. i know B is right to some degree. there's no question that i fear what people might want from me. the idea of being asked for something bugs the crap out of me. but in a situation like a party full of people i don't know, what could possibly be demanded of me? there's no reason to expect that anyone would produce any stress for me beyond the interaction itself. so is it possibly the control variable? is it that the conversations themselves are beyond my knowledge, a collection of 100% unknowns? could be.
i love to present myself as a free-wheeling, go-with-the-flow kind of guy, and there's a lot of truth in that presentation. i loathe having everything mapped out and scheduled to death. it seems to me to literally kill the moments if you know precisely everything about them. (i split an infinitive there, which is a pet peeve of mine, but i'm going to let it go this morning. se how that works? spontaneity!) that said, there's something to having a very general plan, just an outline of what needs to get done or a map of the topography so you can be sure you're not getting lost. and every conversation with a stranger has none of that. it is all unknown. shoot, even many business conversations are mostly unknowns. many conversations with people i know fit the bill. but a friendly conversation, you can be reasonably sure, only takes place on ground that presents no threat. strangers and business, it could go either way.
i'm out of time, which is too bad because i don't think subject is finished. while all of the above might be components of my anxiety, they just don't feel like they have the gravity required to produce the abject terror i feel when confronted with a conversation. i still just fear being wrong, a fool, stupid, unfunny, an asshole, whatever, more than i fear what someone may ask of me. but i do wonder if the unknowns are what produce those fears. if i know what's coming i can avoid looking like an ass. if i don't, i can't. one of the reasons i'm prepared in business whenever i can be. hard to look like a moron when you're prepared.
but it doesn't explain why i care. the unknowns make me unsure, being unsure makes me fear looking dumb and being disliked (a reduction, but accurate enough). ok, great. but why do i care what anyone thinks? why does it even matter? especially for someone who doesn't really care for people all that much.
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