i am now single. as of somewhere in the neighborhood of 9:45am, tuesday march 16th my marriage is officially and technically no longer. this comes with mixed emotions, obviously. i feel like a failure, like i am less of of a man, less of a human, less of an acceptable member of society than i was on monday. foolish, yes, but the truth. i have lost the mother of my children and the stability that brings with it for them. i have lost the person who was my best friend for 13 of the almost 14 years we were married, and i am unquestionably poorer for that. on the other hand, i am finding that when i am able to look past the immediate hurt, the misery and the failure and the wallowing in self-pity and guilt, i see before me a world i never thought i deserved, or one that i never thought could exist and for which i certainly never would have asked.
this has been a long, strange trip. i have made a mess of things, no doubt. if i were to quantify the issues that led to my divorce i could not come to any conclusion but that this is my doing, my fault. no matter how i try to lay some blame in other places, my reactions and behaviors are the ultimate source of the end. and i loathe those things about myself that brought about this end.
and yet, it is those very things that i find within myself to be the very core of who i am as an individual within this world. the things that made it impossible for me to be a decent husband and partner are the things that make me who i am. this is a startling and liberating revelation in spite of the unsettling and difficult implications of such.
i am resolutely and unerringly me. i see things differently from many others. this is not always good; sometimes it just is, and oftentimes it is irreconcilable with what others in my life, or society as whole, would have make sense. this is not to say i am unapologetically individualistic. i will apologize, and happily so, if i can be brought to see that what i see makes no sense or is hurtful. and yet this is not to say i will deviate from my chosen viewpoint; though apologetic, i will not always capitulate.
i am, for the most part, an easy fellow. i have few hills on which i am willing to die. for the majority of my existence i am willing, and gladly so, to abdicate the things that are deemed important to the whims and prejudices of others. the color of the rug? happily left to you. whether to donate to habitat for humanity or heifer international? as long as there is charity, the choice is yours. but i have my hills, and they are varied and indeterminate.
i have a miserably obstinate streak in me that wants little for the requirement to seek approval. i don't need it, and i don't want it. though i may well suffer from an anxiety disorder that would have me believe that no one likes me, i also find myself not caring to modify myself to fit whatever would have the world appreciate me. i am stuck in the middle between a viewpoint that the world does not care for me and i am destined to be disliked and alone, and a relentlessly independent streak that honestly think i should have to give a crap. i am a worst possible scenario: someone who cares deeply about others' opinions of him, but who is unwilling to compromise himself to fit their molds.
i want little out of this life than this: to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that i spent today as myself, uncompromising. to know that i can awaken tomorrow and decide that the wall of plywood decorated with wood-stain-drawn trees is a brilliant idea to finish out the dining room only because i will want to live with it. to write without concern for what someone may find threatening or offensive. to live happily in the knowledge that though i have few friends, those i have love me for who i am and not for who i am willing to be. to know that when my children spend their time with me, they will know that they are welcome to be who they are because the world into which they step does not act like the rest of the world around them: it is ours and theirs and mine, and in a way for which we will apologize and move on as we wish.
i know that this is not a personality that lends itself to a partner. perhaps that is my destiny: to be partnerless. at least for today, that idea does not hurt or concern me. i have no desire to have a partner, both because i want not for one and because i have no willingness to ask someone to be mine and bear with me. have already asked too much of someone in this world, and i have no desire to do that to someone again.
i am me. i am mine. i am relentless and difficult. i am weird. i am odd. i am brilliant and i am a moron. i care too much, and i care not at all. i am easygoing and i am impossible. i am warm and compassionate and i am heartless. i worry what you think of me and i say that you can fuck yourself if you want me to change.
i am me. i am mine. i am alone. and for now, though new, that is good.
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