the secret

is no secret at all, i'm sure. the secret is simply to be open. i am reading a book right now co-written by the dalai lama, and his contention is that his openness is what allows him to be happy. could it really be so simple? of course it could. but simple is rarely easy.

one is rarely more open to attack than when open to another person. if your arms are spread wide for a hug, you are never more vulnerable to a blow to the stomach or a kick to the groin. but without that openness, you are also never open to the hug you seek. and it is as simple as being strong enough to be willing to weather the blows in order to allow for the hug. we reap what we sow in all regards, but i feel it is most especially true in this one.

the fear? becoming overwhelmed. i am exhausted with myself right now. i have but dipped my toe into the waters of own emotions, and i already fear the overwhelming nature of what lies under the still surface. there is an undertow to the human soul that can become so strong to drag one down, and i am afraid of that, but i have already been there. i no longer am cripplingly afraid of my own dark side. but the light - i am also afraid of the light.

if i open myself, are those blows too strong? i have been battered about by winds of feeling already, opening myself little bits across the years, and what lies inside me is strong, so strong i fear my ability to control it. i can feel inside me something that wants out; it is not malevolent or bad, but just strong. i fear it's wanting out, because i feel like it may be a dog off the leash at a park, an openness that leaves me unable to protect myself or hold myself together.

which is nothing to fear at all. what have i to protect? in many ways i am only a shell anyway, the result of shutting myself off from the world for so long. and so why should i not let myself make that opening? all it will take is one small crack, and everything inside me can come pouring out, a torrent of beauty spilling out onto the floor and climbing the walls and radiating outward from me into my surroundings and over everything i can see. i can build a beautiful outlook that will make all the difference in the world for me, and maybe just all the difference in the world. i am finding over nights and through the relentless barrage of images and stories that my mind generates that i want to pour myself out, but i am afraid of losing myself in that process.

but isn't that what it's all about? isn't it about losing one's self to allow one's self to become what it is meant to be? if i can give up that control, the things i see will no longer be threats, but loving opportunity. that which i have will become no longer responsibility but gratefulness, that which i do not have will no longer be resentment but only that which i do not have, and at the most hope, but no longer regret.

i feel this morning like i have spent too long curled in a ball, tossed about while floating disagreeably on the waves of this ocean, allowing myself to be thrown about by waves and baked in sun. i feel like it is time to open that ball, allow myself to drown and become part of this ocean, moving into the newness that is what life is meant to be: all one, all together, open and free and connected. no longer fearing those brushes at my own edges, but feeling those brushes and embracing them.

i am afraid of this. i do not know how to do it. but i want to figure it out. can i do it slowly, opening a small crack and letting myself trickle out? or is the secret that i must dash the wall and let the torrent flow forth? must the opening be complete first in order to function? only time will tell. but it is time to tell. baby steps are what i have. they may not be enough as yet, but they are what i can take. i must take them.