kitty!

first off, it seems that maybe the dreaming thing is settling down a little. i had a particularly poignant one the other night, no interpretation of symbolism necessary, and i wonder if maybe it was little more than that working its way to the surface. the problem is that my energy level isn't much better, so i don't know what that says. and then, of course, in a final installment of wishy-washiness for the day, my energy level may simply suck due to the fact that we have had three sick kids around here since that dream happened and my system's been fighting off kid germs in the meantime. kid germs are very strong. they're like the hulk of germs: indiscriminate and powerful, and they have a nasty habit of harming those they love.

so, the kitty thing. in a lot of conversations lately it seems that people don't quite understand how one can become depressed and not know it, and there's a lot of validity in not getting it. sometimes, i look back over the last year and wonder how i missed the signs. but the fact of the matter is that depression hides and protects itself, and it makes you feel good about it in ways a healthy mind wouldn't really consider.

and so, cat. it's like a cat. a beautiful, smooth, warm and fuzzy kitty. certainly it has claws, but you don't see them; they're hidden away safely inside the paws, allowing it to pad safely and softly into your lap, such that in spite of the fact that you know those pointy razors are sheathed in there, waiting to knife into your thighs, you don't really consider them a threat, and certainly not relative to the comfort of having this delightful little beastie cuddling against you. it comes to you, all body rubs and begging for your attention, turning itself over to expose its belly to you in the hopes that you'll become absorbed in how cute it is and pay attention to nothing else.

because, like a cat, depression is jealous. jealousy is how it works. it gains your trust to the exclusion of everything else. like a cat that crawls into your lap while you read, only to insert itself between you and your book, and then, not content merely to have your lap now, but requiring to be the sole focus in your existence for that time, the cat will place its paws against the book and push it down against your knees so that reading it becomes impossible and you must pay attention to it. if you continue to try to read, the cat will find its way around to stand on your legs, stretch itself up and stare into your face so that its own eyes fill your vision and you have no choice in the matter. jealous beastie has won again.

there are times when it is less obvious, too. like a cat who wakes in the night to find itself lonely, it will sneak into bed and lie next to you and you'll never even notice it has come until morning when it's too late. perhaps it has inserted itself between your knees as you lie on your back, keeping you from turning yourself over as needed. perhaps it has wrapped itself around your head, purring and creating enough heat and noise to keep your sleep from being peaceful. but you don't really realize it's there until you're fully awake and the night's sleep has already been compromised. and even if you did, it's so soft and warm, and makes you feel so loved, that you'd let it stay anyway.

and therein lies the final piece. the ugly piece. like a cat, who's affections are entirely on the its own terms, depression loves you. you are its host, the thing that feeds it, the thing that protects it. you are its reason to exist, and so it makes you feel loved, too. it can fill your world, staring into your eyes to the exclusion of all else, telling you it loves you and begging you please to rub its back. and, despite the fact that you know this, in spite of the fact that you understand it's a cat and that the love is never truly unconditional with it, you still feel privileged and special. this is your cat (HA!), and it loves you. it wants you, and only you. and so you love it back. you pet it, you nuzzle it, you stroke it and feed it and give it what it wants, because it has made you feel special.

then it tires of the love and swipes you with those fucking claws. again.