running

still tired, and B had a great point. i'm not running. this might have as much to do with the fact that i'm not sleeping well as my dreams do, and there's no question that i gain a lot of energy when i'm exercising. add to that the fact that a good run is one of the few times where my brain really shuts down, and not running might be contributing to my dream festival.

i may have written on this before, i don't remember. when i run, as i said above, my mind can turn off. there's a notion amongst novices that meditation is about one's mind being clear of thought, but that's not really the case. meditation is about one recognizing the thoughts one's mind generates as nothing more than thoughts and dismissing them before they have a chance to distract from the task at hand. at least that's how i've come to understand it, anyway. for me, that's the magic of a good run. i get one step beyond that.

after about 2 miles, my mind stops generating anything beyond what is needed to keep running and stay alive. there is not much more in my consciousness than left-right-left-right, breathe in, breathe out, turn right, car, turn left, another car, on your left, excuse me, whoa bicycle!, stoplight. and, occasionally, i hate this hill right now. but all the worry, postulation, all the things that keep my brain churning and burning disappear. i no longer wonder about whether it might work better on this account to use this pricing model, whether i could better aggregate data using this arrangement, what might be the best way to present and analyze this table, wonder what's for dinner, are the kids doing alright with me now that i'm more mellow, will B and i ever get back to normal again...

just breath and pounding. restful. peaceful. quiet in the midst of sound, calm in the midst of the fury of the active world. i am working hard, but my mind is still. my body is tiring, but my mind is resting. my mind's time to sleep, the conscious and cognitive self removed from the equation and curled up under the covers of exhaustion and given respite from their neverending workings, the cycling and recycling and lifting up and turning over of issues and problems and confusion stopped for a short while and my brain retreating to its animal sense of presence where its only responsibilities are to keep me functioning and keep me safe. and it is always thankful for it, ever grateful for the chance to stop.

i have been missing this. my mind has been working constantly for 2 months now, the only running having been the relay i ran at the beginning of december. i have given my mind no rest, never given it the chance to be off. like a worker with no vacation or holiday for a lengthy stretch, i fear its work is beginning to suffer, and perhaps it's spilling over into the time when i should be resting my body. my mind is craving some attention, some rest, and it is telling me so by poking me like a neglected 5-year-old pokes at his mother's shoulder, saying 'mom. mom. mom. mom. mom.' until she finally looks up and asks him to stop and he can tell her what he's been dying to pass along. well, i might just have looked up, and my mind may have passed along what it has needed to tell me. time to start running again.