a bit of a purging

i am surrounded by wonderful and understanding people who love me deeply. i have some of the most fantastic people in all of history as my friends. my support network is both deep and wide. i know this. i can see it clearly. i even believe in it. i really, truly do. and yet, i am on one level terribly, horribly alone. ultimately, i am the only one in my head. though there are hundreds who can understand what i am going through, no one else can truly know.

this is my struggle, my battle, and no one else has ever fought this one. many have fought one like it, but no one has fought this one. many know similar feelings to mine, but no one has ever felt mine. many have seen the things i see and known the circumstances i know, but no one has ever seen them through my eyes.

i find myself angry and bitter at times, particularly with those who would presuppose that they can understand where i am. it's unfair to judge those people, i know, but i am anyway. i am not a diagnosis. i suffer from depression. there is a diagnosis, certainly. but this one is mine. the diagnosis does not tell you anything about me. the diagnosis tells you about a set of symptoms, but tells you nothing of the storm inside, tells you nothing of the despair, the turmoil, the doubt, the sadness. the diagnosis comes with a nicely prescribed set of descriptors to define the resulting exhibitions of the disorder, but it does not explain the things which have formed those symptoms.

please. love me, feel compassion for me, ask to help me, ask to hug me. but don't tell me you understand. you don't.

i just spell-checked this and there were no misspellings found. it's a christmas miracle.