oy, thank you!

at long last, a decent night's sleep. in bed at a reasonable hour, asleep in no time, and i don't even remember stirring until isaiah woke me up at 5:4o or so (the little bugger's been waking up early since he caught this most recent cold). good stuff.

there's no plan for today, no major question to resolve, nothing of which to purge myself, but i did want to clear something up that apparently caused a small amount of confusion. there are some who would try to convince me that i am, of course!, capable of happiness, that i do feel it because they have seen it in me. and of course they are right. i did not mean that i am completely and utterly incapable of emotion, nor that i have never found any enjoyment in anything. that is very much not the case. i find enjoyment in many places, not the least of which is time spent with my kids and my wife.

bear with me while i spin us off on a tangent here - like the 3rd season of 'connections', it might be tough to see where i am going but i promise to get us there. in my therapy session the other day we were discussing joy, and it turns out that we massively misuse the word here in western english. we have this notion of joy as something transitory and excellent, some sort of happiness that is more intense than happy and typically, it seems, related to some immediate feeling of extreme happiness in the moment. that is very much not the case, or at least not semantically. joy, as a biblical greek notion (and as an ideal according to echkart tolle and hundreds of other theologians and faith leaders), is about happiness and faithfulness and confidence in the midst of strife. biblically, joy is the feeling that despite the current circumstance there is a god who loves you and has created this situation, but will see you through it and the other side will be better for it, and even if it is not there is an eternity that is more beautiful for being in his presence than any misery this world could dole out. perhaps a bit grandiose for our daily purposes, so let's look at it from a more practical standpoint: joy is grace under pressure that gives us the ability to be happy in spite of our circumstance, the ability to see the beauty around us and in us and to accept what is happening because it is a small part of the grand beauty that is everything.

that is what i am lacking. joy. i can do happiness. happiness is the transitory feeling. happiness comes in playing lego, in playing drums, in running, in hugging, in seeing a baby born. happiness is a result of circumstance. anyone can do happy. it's pavlovian.

joy is harder. joy requires the ability to see beauty where there is none, and to accept the ugliness as part of the beauty. this i cannot do. and love is part of joy, and so i think i have trouble getting it, at least as most people would understand it. is love the feeling that this person beside you is wholly and completely yours, part of you and part of that all-encompassing beauty? whether it be a wife or a child, is love being able to see that you are part of a grand beautiful everything and this person is part of it with you? perhaps this is where i fail. if one cannot see the grand beauty, one cannot see the others around him as part of it, and without that the connection is not made.

i'm not saying one must believe in god to love, nor even in a grand scheme that is anything more than just the wheels of nature turning. but even acceptance of nature as the end of it begets in many an appreciation for their place in it, and that is enough, it seems, to create the connection to another that is required for love to blossom.

so perhaps this is where i need to begin. i need to find the grand beauty. with acceptance of that, perhaps my place as part of that beauty will become clearer, and even if i cannot see clearly what that place is the very fact that i have a place in it will be enough. and with my place in the beauty apparent, the place of those around me will become clear also, and to see them as part of the beauty with me is what i need. from there, joy. from there, love.