poke, poke

time for a quick update on just how weird probing one's inner landscape can be. i have been complaining about not being able to access my emotions. crap, just look at that sentence. ' not being able to access my emotions' sounds like i'm troubleshooting the dhcp service on the new router. jeez. anyway, i've realized something (and brandie's about to have a moment that goes along with when her mother told her water was good for your health): whoa, nelly, i have loads of emotions, and would have trouble accessing them but for one vital thing - i have them turned off for a reason.

since i've been mulling about the hallways of my soul the last week or so, i've been walking a line i've found that lies between my keeping it all held together and completely breaking down. not completely breaking down in the sense that i'll need to go back in the pen or anything, but it's a feeling that if i open that door it'll be an hour or so before i stop crying or want to see anyone. no idea what for or why, no idea what i might find out, if anything. it just feels big and hairy and not like something i want to disturb.

imagine exploring as a child, down by the creek in your neighborhood you've spent conglomerate days wandering past, and finding a cave. same cave you've seen a hundred times in your travels, but you've never gone in. it's been the storefront for your western town, the entrance to the shield control center on endor, the palace drawbridge, but never someplace you'd enter. but today, you've been dared. today you have no choice. you have to go in. it's your job, the ultimate last mystery of your creek and the triple-dog dare all rolled together. if you don't do this, you'll never live it down. so in you go.

it's dark, your heart is racing, but you're finding it's not so bad. it's just a cave, after all. a twist, a turn, your breath catches with each and starts again when the corner is turned and nothing has jumped out yet to eat you. your eyes become more and more accustomed to the dimness, the sound of dripping water becomes less threatening and more just a part of the background sounds of your experience. you turn that next corner, and there, snoring in the back of this cave is a great big brown bear.

and your fucking best friend danny just dared you to poke it with the pointed stick you brought.