turns out i've never been happier to see someone. the staff here are all sane, but they work here among the craziness and to me seem part of it regardless. but for andy and brandie [yes, i chuckled after i typed that] to come - people from outside of this, and two of my most trusted at that - was an absolute godsend. twice daily we fill out a 'mood sheet', and tonight's was the first i had entered my mood as 'hopeful'.
the downside to this hopefulness is that i am losing some of my feeling of camaraderie with my fellow...inmates? is that a downside? only in that i am here until tomorrow noon at least and do not feel part of it. again, that should be a good thing, but neither am i strong enough yet to be out among them and feel like i have something to offer or like i am an observer. instead i am alone here, a stranger in a strange land. i am the hopeful among the hopeless. and that is a mighty strange feeling when you can't pass that hope on.
i did get my own room for tonight, which a wonderful treat. i got my armful of belongings [brandie had brought me some clothes and books earlier in the day] moved, came in, closed the door and did what i had not been comfortable doing in a shared room - i took a shower. [bear with me here. i know i've rhapsodized about the shower before, but i did it again and i promised myself i wouldn't edit this] hot, wet and cleansing it was healing in a way few likely understand. my shower each day is my chrysalis, the cocoon where i change from my nervous, anxious dream-self into the person i present to the world. it is where i wash off the inability to cope and take in the strength to speak to people. those sheets of water are like massaging hands easing back pain - they push and free up the awkwardness and anxiety to become wit and affability. and there have been few that i have relished like this one. i will likely have another before bed.
i hope to go home tomorrow. nobody really said that would happen, but i think it could. i believe i'm ready, and not because i want out of here. i'm ready to go back to my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment