day one

i realized yesterday evening that real life hasn't actually stopped just because i have. i have to wake up this morning and go to work. and that ain't going to be easy. it was one thing when i was still maintaining, but since the crack opened in the dam it's going to be a little harder. probably wouldn't be so bad if i hadn't just started the new gig a few weeks ago.

in any case, i'm sitting in the front room typing and trying to stuff the damn genie back in the bottle. all weekend, ever since the crack formed, it seems like it's been leaking out a little at a time. at first i thought the dam had broken wide open and the flood had come, but now i think that's not even close. i think that there's still just a crack, and it's pouring some, but not as bad as it could be. i roam around dazed, occasionally stabbed through with this miserable pain. that pain brings the tears and the shutdown. if i can fiure out how to spackle up the crack, to keep the flow stemmed, while i'm at work, maybe i can let it out in a controlled fashion when it's safe to do so.

so now i'm off to my soporific, the shower. the shower is a safe place, where water pours over my head and eases the tide of bad things. it is warmth and comfort and a welcome reminder that reality isn't all bad and that i am a part of it. each droplet hits and brings comfort. 'i'm here. i'm here. i'm here.' and so i will come out of the shower, towel off that security blanket of wet, and move into my routine that hopefully will remind me of how i've managed up to this point. automatic teeth, hair, glasses, shave (thinking while i shave how thankful i am for safety razors these days), clothes, gather lunch, pills, breakfast, computer, drive. and music. thank you, God for music, my other refuge.

this blog has already paid off, btw. turns out i know someone who has been through this, and still goes through it. i guess the odds should have told me that i know at least one person (i probably know more), but to actually see in writing that there's someone i know, a real person with whom i have talked and joked and watched with others, that sees the world like i do...that makes a huge difference.