social anxiety disorder

so, i had a friend ask me exactly what my intent was in creating this blog, especially with such a first post as the one below. honestly, i hadn't thought out why. i have a need to write things. i do it a lot. but this new...mess, has me needing not just to write, but to write to.

this is a side of me that a few people know. the messy side. i've never hidden the fact that i'm a little odd, a little weird, that i look at things differently and i'm not afraid to admit that i'm more than a little awkward. but i've always acted like i own that and that it's by choice, and i feel suddenly like maybe getting out of this mess might involve my admitting freely that i haven't chosen those traits at all. they're part of what's in my head, and what's in my head operates out of fear.

i was officially diagnosed in 2003 (?) with social anxiety disorder. most people have some idea of what that looks like, but i had someone ask me once what it means inside me to have it.

so, what's it like to have social anxiety disorder? have you ever said something truly stupid out loud, something you were sad to have said the moment it left your lips? and then you were left wondering if everyone in earshot thought you were maybe a little slow? ok, take that feeling and apply it to everything you say. now to everything you do. now expand things so that it applies to literally every person you see around you, not just the ones with whom you interact, and you're getting the idea.

we could try this one, too: remember back to when you were going through puberty, the really awkard part. there was someone you had a major crush on. and when you saw her (him) all you could think of was how sad you were that you were in this really awkward phase, and that this person wouldn't want much of anything to do with you. now, take that feeling and make it apply today to each person you meet, and you're starting to get some part of the vibe.

the difference? those things stopped over time. you grew out of puberty, that idiotic comment faded from memory. for me, each thing i say, every move i make is followed by near-paralyzing concern over what impressions are left. many of us feel that same kind of fear with each moment of our lives. most are blessed with short-term memory that allows us to forget that concern immediately. those like me cannot forget. we obsess about those moments, spiraling over them again and again, wondering what others are thinking of us. and 'those moments'? they are every moment spent speaking to someone that hasn't become part of the trusted few.

and that's the secret. there are only two ways i have found to beat it and unparalyze myself. in business situations, i have learned to tell myself silently and constantly that performance is the issue, not personality, that not only can my likability be offset by the fact that i am very good at what i do, it is perfectly likely that it doesn't even enter into the equation. thus, it is easy for me to dismiss my concerns as irrelevant. but personal interactions can't be treated this way, and the only way to beat that demon is repetition or blind luck. many people can never make it into the trusted file. i have few close friends for that very reason; i always feel uncomfortable. family is easy because they're stuck with me regardless (and frankly, they're as weird as i am). some few slowly become trusted because i have seen enough evidence to suggest that they do not judge me persistently. and then there is a subset so small it has only ever held a handful of very special people with whom i was immediately ok. people so tied to me in some impossible-to-explain way that i never for a moment worried about what they thought. i have some of those people in my life now, some have moves on to bless other lives, and there is one who is lost to this world forever. and they are my true loves, the ones who make this place bearable, the anchors who kep me from drifting into isolation and give me the faith in myself and the strength to go out into that big ol' scary world every day. without them, i would withdraw completely.

so there. that's what it's like. i fear everyone and everything i do, but for a small percentage. some are good people with whom i have formed comfortable rapport. some are my soul mates, i feel, angels of a sort to help me cope. and would gladly give my life for any of them, for they are what gives me any sort of life at all.