why...

well, brandie asked me a bit ago why i'm doing this. i still don't know. a lot of reasons.

altruism? perhaps, to some degree. had i read something like this might become, maybe i'd have had the strength to do something sooner. i doubt it, however. for some of us, the willingness to seek help all comes down to change becoming less frightening than the status quo, and i just got there.

i still think there's a lot to be said for my need to put this out in the public sphere. not so much that i need the world to read this, but to know that someone, anyone, could read it. i've been hiding in my own head for so long that i feel sort of compelled to put this all outside of myself, like somehow nothing will be able to help until i'm willing to admit completely freely that it's going on.

secondly, i want it documented. not necessarily for anyone else, but for me. i want to have everything written down somewhere independent. i can stop whenever i want, but what has already been written will be here. i suppose i have the option of deleting it, but somewhere it will exist on a backup.

whatever the reason is, i need this, at least for now. maybe that changes when i take the first few steps. but for now, this is working as something to keep my mind from going further down the rabbit hole.